This time last year, I was in labor and was in my delivery room being coached to breathe and waiting for my little one to come. I would have to wait another 15 hours, but it didn’t matter.

I look at this picture and can’t help but smile. She was brand new, maybe a minute old. I’m so tired, but so excited. I am thoroughly peaceful.

I can’t believe how quickly the past year has flown by. Every day, I am so grateful for my Tiny Beast; her strength, her fluffy hair, the way she looks like me and my Dad. Everything.

When she was born, even with all that happened immediately after (and you can read about that here, if you want to catch up); I knew that everything in life would be ok. All that mattered was that I had her. After so many years of waiting for the right person and the right time, she was here and she was mine.

Having Isabella erased any anger I had. Every bad day just didn’t matter. Even my Dad’s death a few months before stung a little less. Looking into her big blue eyes, I knew (and know) that as long as I do my best for her, and keep her needs in mind, I can’t and won’t go wrong.

Every night, we snuggle her to sleep, and put her in her crib. I look forward to that time. I look forward to our weekend naps on the couch, snuggled under antique quilts, chasing the last of the sunbeams. She is truly my heart and my world and I can’t imagine my life without her. I am truly blessed to have her.

Here’s to many more years of love, happiness, and those big blue eyes.

To you, my love. Mommy loves you so, so much.
Raina

Oh, 2013, you were pretty amazing.

2013 started off with friends and me being super pregnant.  The house would decide to revolt against us, resulting in a roof leak, the power box crapping out, and last minute home improvement projects (which really needed to happen anyway). Thank goodness for awesome neighbors who are super handy fix-it-all’s!

My due date would come and go, and I was pretty sure that Izzy had made a fort in my womb. She would eventually make her appearance on her terms in her own time. The labor would be strong and steady, and mostly unmedicated. She arrived with a ferocious scream, and upon seeing her, finally knew what love truly was. We would spend the first week in the NICU and Specialty Care at Children’s, but leave with what amounted to a detailed instruction manual on how to care for a baby.

We learned what parenthood was, and that we were an amazing team, despite the stress that is fueled by exhaustion and learning how best to care for a tube fed baby.

On the fun side, 2013 would bring Izzy’s first camping trip at 2 months old, and then 2 more camp trips. Not bad for having to lug a feeding pump and an oxymeter along with us, in addition to my breast pump and all the related equipment. We would hit the road for short weekend adventures to the coast, to parks and in-city adventures.

It brought a start to my home business, Big Dill Pickles. I continued to craft, making books, quilts, and baby clothes. I spent many amazing hours snuggling Izzy, writing, as well as publishing a blog post for Blogher.com.

We cooked many amazing meals, and hosted lovely dinner parties for friends.  Lastly, we paired up with a local (baby friendly!) brewery to host dinner parties, with the first one being a beer and bratwurst party for 100. 

On the work front, 2013 brought new work projects for me, long days and great new responsibilities, gaining a new team and letting go of the team I had worked with for a few years. I would start with a research group, and eventually work on dismantling a bariatric program, and helping to transition another program into my department. It was a year of change at my company!

Nick continued on at his catering company for the 6th year, cooking for many events, including events for local politicians, on up to someone at a big white house. He did an amazing job keeping me fed as well (I am pretty sure that in itself was a full time job, too).  Nick worked on multiple house projects, played harmonica and guitar for Izzy to keep her happy. He spends his nights teaching Izzy Spanish, a love of history and geography, and how to play soccer (she’s still learning that one!). 

This week Izzy went in for surgery for her G-tube. After almost 8 months of having an ng-tube, we were ready for a change-the idea of something that wouldn’t require replacing every day sounded amazing. The surgery went well, and quickly, requiring only an overnight stay. The tube site looked good, and only leaked a little. She was able to take her feeds, but ended up throwing up at the last one. We all chalked it up to her tummy not being used to eating the volume after so many hours of not having anything in it.

Thursday and Friday, she continued to throw up and we found her tube site leaking more. By Friday afternoon, the site was leaking so much, anything we put in would run out of her and soak her outfits. We ended up going to the emergency room after her 8th change of clothes in almost as many hours.

That was Friday, and here we are Monday, still in the hospital. We still don’t have answers for why she is leaking, but at least the vomiting has stopped. The nursing staff has been amazing, the surgery teams…well…lacking at times, but we’re finally getting people to figure out what is happening to her and why. Tests are being run, and we continue to find the best way to feed her. We try.

In the mean time, Nick and Izzy snuggle and we play and wait. Happily, there’s these amazing breakfast sandwiches that are only made from 1-4 am-we were happy to have those last night, between bouts of demanding to talk to someone about why things are wrong.

We remain positive, it’s hard sometimes, but we keep going. Here’s to getting out of here one of these days! In the mean time, we’re at least able to relax and hang out with each other.  To help pass the time, I brought my lap top, a cook book, cooking magazines, yarn and crotchet needles. One of these things should help pass the time!

How do you spend time when you’re stuck somewhere?

Best,
Raina

It has been so gloriously sunny here, much longer than it normally is in Seattle. The days are still long, and we’re seeing temps in the 80’s and high 70’s. You can tell that fall is coming, but for now, summer is holding on with everything it has.

With Tiny’s surgery coming, I wanted to get her out of the house to play. I needed to step away from all of the cleaning and prep work to get into nature and see some sea critters.  We decided to go play in tide pools. We got there as the tide was starting to come back in, but we were able to get a good 45 minutes of play time. Izzy was more interested in the other kids, and the waves than the sea stars, but she played along while I climbed over rocks and plodded through seaweed beds.  There were so many sea stars, some bigger than my head, in a variety of colors, some slowly moving their suckers, trying to feel out where the water went.  It was a good way to get out and clear my mind and enjoy a misty morning.

I’m looking forward to more trips to local tidepools!

Lately I have been trying to keep balance between work and mommy-hood with some me time. I had started a scrapbook for Tiny, but stalled out. About a week ago, I took a book making class, and I have definitely felt more excited about paper crafts again. Things I have learned…when you’re tired, your grammar goes out the window, so you’ll see a typo in one of the pics. Just ignore, pretend it’s perfect 🙂

The first shots are of my original scrapbook pages, the next set is of the book I made in a class. I’ll post more pics of other projects I am working on, but for now, enjoy!

And I can’t believe I forgot…my old photos are hanging up! I’m showing a few shots at the T-117 offices for the Port of Seattle. South Park Arts is working with them to showcase local artists while they are doing clean up of the Duwamish River.

Raina

This past weekend we hit the road to Mt Rainier to do some tent camping with Izzy. We also decided to try to wean her off of her feeding tube. If you’re going to try something new, it should at least be done in a new environment while having fun.

The weather was amazing, and Izzy did really well. She loved the tent, trees, and critters. Our spot was also next to the river and away from other campers, so she could scream her fool head off during bottle feeds without really disturbing other campers (we hope).

The trip was over way too fast, and it was really nice to know for sure that we could camp with her. I also found that the car was pretty comfy for pumping, too.

On our way home we took a detour to Yakima for cherries and beer, and found a great little restaurant, Barrel House (http://www.barrelhouse.biz/5601.html). This place was seriously amazing-I had the portabella blue burger – which you can order up to 2 lbs big!  The cole slaw was awesome, and the beer and wine were all local.

We’re home now, and the wean has been a mixed bag-the kid has a pretty strong aversion (how does my kid not love food?!), but we’re working on it.

This week I’ll be wrapping up my vacation by making jam with the cherries from Yakima, watching fireworks with friends, and celebrating my 35th birthday (eep!). I’m also working on a shadowbox for her nursery too. Not a bad way to spend a week!

Here’s to you all!
Raina

Today, it’s been a year since my Dad died. Friday marks the day that he was found. I can tell you exactly what I was doing when I knew he had passed away.

I was at work, making Coach calls during a quit tobacco campaign at work. It was a rare time for me to be on the phones. My cell phone rang, it was my Grandpa, when I didn’t answer my desk phone rang. Also my Grandpa. As soon as I was off the work call, I called my Grandpa back. I remember sending a text to my best friend that said, “I think my Dad is dead”.

I had been waiting for that call for years. He had been in and out of mental hospitals battling PTSD for so long. He was diagnosed when I was in high school, and had been going downhill for the 20 years since then. It had really only been a matter of time, as he had tried so many times before.

The days that followed hearing that my Dad had taken his life went by in a blur. I broke down only after my Grandparents left, after I had sent a text to my friends and after I emailed work. I remember wiping away the tears after realizing that I needed to tell my mom. I remember that things had to be done. I broke down in spurts. I was newly pregnant, and ended up hiding in bed for a little while.  It was the start of over a month worth of work on his apartment. It was my heart breaking, and finding a way to be strong for my mom, myself and my unborn child. It was me realizing that I had an amazing man in Nick who I could lean on. You can read more about everything that happened in the main post and 4 prior posts here.

I still feel guilty, I still feel anger, I still miss him more than anything in the world. I am still so glad he isn’t in pain, that he isn’t haunted by the lives he couldn’t save during his military career as a medic.  He went out on so many plane crashes and did his best to help people, but in the end he couldn’t help himself.  I wish that I could have one more day with him, to have his fatherly counsel, to hear his voice that wasn’t in a voice mail.

People ask me what they can do.  You can advocate for change to the status of mental health care. You can support Veteran’s Organizations, you can vote for politicians and policies that stop the revolving door of mental health care. But more than anything, you can reach out and offer to help someone who you worry about. You can not shy away from the person who has mental illness. Be their advocate. Champion for the care of the disabled.

In short, don’t let people with mental illness suffer alone.

This week I’ll be celebrating all that is my Daddy. This means German beer, bratwursts, liver wurst, grilled meats and salmon. I’ll be planting trees, roses, and other plants in his memory, and hanging new bird feeders; this was what he loved.

I’ll be taking some time this weekend to spread some of his ashes at Mt. Rainier.

I’ll also be celebrating all of my good memories of him, and building new ones with his Granddaughter.

Here’s to you Daddy, I miss you.

Tiny Beast has taught me a lot in her short time being alive. The biggest lesson? Take all of your plans and chuck them out the window; you won’t need them anyway.