Making A Happy Life, One Craft At A Time
Lately, the weather has been…well…all over the map. We’ll have a day or two of what feels like summer, and then BAM! It’s clearly not summer. Mother Nature? You’re a tease! A few days ago, I was coming out of my car in June, trying … Read More
A quick update to the below post! I was able to knock out a couple of projects-below is boozy cherry jam. As you can see there’s a good amount of dark rum missing from the bottle that went into the jam (recipe called for 2 … Read More
With everything that has been going on, I have had this deep desire to do. Do what you ask? Anything! I long to get creative again and get back to crafting. So without further adieu, here’s my craft-tastic to do list for the months of June and July:
Today we laid my father to rest. The sun shone behind thick clouds. A gentle mist came and went, stopping just in time for the funeral and starting again after my father’s ashes were interred. My grandfather had arranged a full military ceremony at Mt … Read More
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to post the 4 blogs that follow this entry. They were written over the last almost 2 weeks now. They are raw, and angry, and sad. They are things that I had stuck in my headthat I wanted out. I wanted … Read More
I can’t believe it has been almost a week. The days have flown by, but I don’t remember much about them. Calls have been made, accounts have been closed, debts have been forgiven, arrangements for donations have been made, and the funeral has been planned. I went to a few personal appointments too. It’s slowly coming together, but there’s still so much to do.
I still have my mother here, close by. I’m not quite ready to let her go out on her own, and I don’t know that I am quite ready to be on my own either.
The past week seems like a blur, but based on my notes, quite a few things got done. Yesterday, I went to see my dad’s body to say good bye. It felt good to see him and tell him everything I had wanted to say the past week, and to get closure. I needed to tell him that I was sorry for not being there for him before and during his final moments, but also to tell him I forgave him and didn’t blame him for his decision to leave in the way he did. I held his hand and told him about how I am doing. He looked so peaceful, like he was resting. I can’t remember the last time my father looked at peace. I’m always going to miss him, but I am so glad for the time I got to spend with him yesterday. It helped with the closure I needed.
After the viewing, we went to one of his favorite restaurants, Steamers, and ate fish and chips and looked out at the water. It was nice to do something that he enjoyed doing.
There’s still a big hole in my heart, but it hurts less every day. I know that some days will be harder than others. After almost 16 years, it will be strange to never go to his apartment again after I finish emptying his home. It will be strange to not get random calls from him talking about a food creation he made with salmon, ramen noodles, veggies, and some mystery ingredient. This father’s day will be hard, as will his birthday one week later. I guess you just find ways to honor those that you love and try to move on with your new life.
More than my hurt for my loss, I so badly want to find a way to change things with the state of mental health care. There’s no reason that people should suffer. There’s no reason we have overburdened systems, and too many patients and not enough qualified people to help. There’s so much that can be done on a personal level, just by reaching out and taking care of one another. That’s just my soap box though. I am sure I will have more on this, as the ideas that are floating around in my head become more solid.
My love to each of you,
Raina
It’s 2:17 am. I’ve been up and down all night, crying and wanting to throw up. I’m dreading tomorrow…or well, at this point, later today. It’s now a little later, just before 9. I spent this morning listening to his old voice mails to hear … Read More
It’s another 12 hours later. 26 hours after I found out about my dad. I went to his apartment this morning. It looked like he had just stepped out. I had to go through things to find paperwork from his military service. I wanted to … Read More
I don’t even know how to start this post, or if I will even publish it. Right now, I am hurting. My soul feels like it is crushed and I don’t know what else to do but write and cry. This post will be raw, and may contain things you don’t want to read. This isn’t for you, this is for me, and for me to heal.
