The other night I went to an awesome event through an organization called Zaarly. It was a group of local venders who started their own businesses and followed their passion. In talking with one gal, she gestured to Tiny Beast, and noted, “This is why I do this. I wanted to spend more time with my little one”. It struck a chord with me.

I love my normal job, and I don’t want to let that go. I help manage a program that helps people lose weight, quit smoking, increase their physical activity and manage their stress. It’s an awesome program that combines wellness with realistic behavior change. My employees are awesome, and my peers are amazing. I can’t see myself leaving that any time soon.

Having Tiny Beast made me want to do more than just a 9-5. I want to create more, and show her the world of cooking and crafts. I want to have the option of doing something creative that is profitable. I think I also miss doing art events and shows.  I love providing feedback on databases and writing trainings, but I can’t put glitter on them (hmmm…maybe I just thought of a new training method).

I have the resources-I have an entire craft studio that is floor to ceiling, wall to wall goodies just waiting for me to make something. I have the ability to whip up yummy dishes, and can come up with recipes pretty quickly. I also make delicious pickles. Seriously. Those things are crazy good.

All this to say, I am venturing out to start my own tiny business-selling my pickles and jams. It’s definitely not going to be anything that allows me to get wealthy, but it should be enough for some extra spending cash, and help to keep me doing creative things-fun craft classes anyone?  It’s also great as it’s something I can do on the weekends and after work, with a kid strapped to me. I already know where to get local produce to support local farmers. I can give back and do something I like.

I am still working on the business model, logo and all the things that go in to taking a hobby into something bigger. I have been lucky to get feedback on my products from friends and family, so I know what I need to change (luckily it’s not much). Who knows if it will actually succeed, but for now, the idea makes me super happy.

It also gets me closer to my ultimate goal of having a Bed and Breakfast. Ok, so it’s a long way to that goal, but one step at a time.

For those of you who have taken a big leap and done something for yourself, or started your own business; what helped you to do that? What advice would you give? And how has it been?

Yours in crafty goodness!
Raina

We had a camping road trip!  Okay, so it was an hour and a half away and in a cabin, but the cabin didn’t have a bathroom and that’s like camping, right?

Seriously. Tiny Beast is adorable.

In the last blog, I mentioned that we did a photo shoot with Izzy. I debated back and forth whether to keep the ng tube in for the shoot, or to schedule it for a day when we would be changing it out, so I could see her full face, unobstructed. I opted to go with the latter. I have so many pictures of her with her tube, and even though that tube makes up part of who she is, I wanted a few with just her.  I never lose sight of how beautiful she is, but it sure was nice to see her without the tube.  I love her round cheeks and big bright eyes that look up to me during the day.

 And OH! she makes me laugh. Quite often, unintentionally. She’s recently figured out she can stick her finger in her nose. Without her tube, she can cram both of them up there. Yep. My kid has skills.

 I look at her mischievous little smirks, and I know that in a few years I’m screwed. She has us wrapped around her little finger and she’s a smart cookie already. I wonder what shenanigans she’ll get into.

 I love how she will always rest well in my arms. I’ll snuggle the daylights out of her, as long as she will let me. I know this phase will be gone before I know it.

She also is a patient little beast, letting me put tiny hats with fluffy ears on her. My heart melts when I look at this picture!

Tiny Beast just sits and observes between naps. She wants to see as many things as possible, and will just stare intently at you.

Every day I am so grateful for her, and the time off from work. She is an amazing, strong, silly little girl and I can’t wait to see her grow and change. Even in the two weeks since these were taken, she has grown so much. She looks more and more like her Daddy and less and less like a grumpy old man. It’s hard knowing her teeth will be here soon, and that cute gummy smile will disappear and that with each passing day, she’ll need me less and less.

Luckily, this won’t happen for a little while. It also means I have done my job well.  To you, Tiny Beast.  May all of your tiny dreams come true.  And to you, Dear Reader, may you find your happiness!
Raina

Tiny Beast is two months!  TWO!  The time has been flying by, and I’m already 2/3 through my leave. There really isn’t enough time that I could spend with her.

She’s getting so big, so fast. At her 8 week appointment, she was just over 24 inches tall, and almost 11.5 pounds. She’s happiest when she’s standing, and has found her hands and the art on the walls to be much more exciting than eating. She plays and coos and smiles at us and is just an amazing kid. She screams like a howler monkey and farts like a trucker, and she’s everything I could ever want in a daughter.

We sit together and snuggle between naps, and we read books together. She sits on my lap while I write and on Nick while he plays video games. She’s always interested in what we’re doing and what the animals are doing. Much like her momma she doesn’t sit still, fidgeting during feedings and playing with anything she can get her hands on. Her dreams are sweet, and we catch her smiling and laughing while she sleeps.  We’re lucky in that she sleeps pretty well, mostly through the night these days.

This month we’ve had a wonderful photo shoot with a friend and local photographer, Michelle Smith-Lewis, whose work you can check out here. We loved working with her and I highly recommend her when you need a talented, patient photographer. We’re also getting out more, and have been having fun between the feeds and the pumping sessions.  It’s been nice to bring her out, to see friends and to get a routine in place for at least one day a week that isn’t breast milk oriented. I took Izzy to the Veteran’s Cemetery so I could visit my Dad. It’s still strange to me that they won’t ever meet. Next week, we’re taking out first road trip to Cama Beach to stay in a cabin by the water. I can’t wait to hike along the beach with her and sit under a blanket and watch the waves crash.

We continue to work with the specialists at Children’s to get her off the feeding tube. There are good days and less good days. She’s getting about one-third to half of her feed by bottle consistently, which is where she’s been for some time. The goal is to have her at 100% of her 4 ounce feeds by bottle before we can let go of the tube feed process. It’s been a slower road than I had hoped, but if this is the worst thing we have to deal with, so be it. We have an appointment next Friday to see what we can do to increase her bottle feeds. One step at a time. A related goal is to get her weight up. She’s not gaining as fast as the pediatrician would like, despite adding extra calories with formula to her full breast milk feeds, we’ll be working with the dietitian at Children’s early next week on that part, along with her Specialist and the nurses. I can’t say enough how amazing Children’s has been. Their knowledge, empathy and coordination of care has been remarkable. We are so lucky to have them working with Izzy.

Her test results continue to come back strong, her CO2 and her oxygen levels are right where they should be, her developmental targets are still being hit on time, if not earlier. She continues to amaze me as well her doctors. Again, we’re still so lucky.

I hope you all are doing well, and that life is full of good updates for you all as well!

Best,
Raina, Izzy and Nick.

One of the things I missed during pregnancy was Beer Friday. Every Friday, a group of us would hit a local brewery and have drinks, hit the local pub and grab dinner. It was the social time that I missed, and I won’t lie; after a long week, a beer (or a few) was a welcomed treat.  The picture above is from a trip to Glacier National Park, where I happily lounged in my hammock with one of my favorite beers, Baron Brewing’s Uber-Weisse. Shortly after Jen and I got pregnant, the brewery went out of business. That was our Friday staple. Coincidence?  Who knows.

I worried that once I had Tiny Beast I wouldn’t be able to hit any fun places for a Friday treat. Babies and bars don’t mix so well. Luckily, most brewery taprooms ARE kid friendly and are much more quiet, and well, less full of drunk, touchy, and germy people.

Without further adieu, I offer a column for all of us who want to get out and have a night out with an adult beverage, but who have their kids in tow. As I hit new breweries, I’ll add them to the blog as Beer Friday, and write my reviews. If there’s anything that would be helpful to read about, leave a comment and I’ll add that in for future additions. If there’s a place that you know of in Washington or else where, please add that as well! I’m sure I should put in a disclaimer that you should never drink and drive and that you should keep your imbibing to a level that doesn’t impair your ability to care for your kid. I’ll assume you are a savvy adult and have mastered common sense, but just in case…please see my prior sentence.

The rundown so far:
Big Al’s Brewing-White Center (Seattle).
I love this place. It’s no Baron, but it’s close. The bartender noted that he hadn’t seen me in ages and was super excited to hear about Tiny Beast. They also have a board for “Beer it Forward”, so you can buy someone a beer who isn’t there with you. It’s nice as its mostly the same folks each time, so you know what you’re getting into. There’s two stories, and kids are welcome upstairs. There are couches and a big screen, darts, board games and an Atari. AN ATARI!  If that doesn’t sell it right there, I don’t know what does!  The beers are solid, and they rotate guest taps. They play soccer, but that’s about as sporty as this place gets.  right now, I am loving their Blonde.
Parking? Plentiful, but street
Noise level? Upstairs isn’t bad and you can carry on a conversation without raising your voice
Beers on a scale of 1-10? 8. Nick says 7. I say he’s silly.
Food? None, but they do have a Soup thing on Sundays and you are welcome to bring your own food-there’s great Soul Food, pho and a BBQ joint close by. Oh, and Full Tilt Ice cream. So good.
Playtime? Fellow parents bring their kids, too.
Website? http://www.bigalbrewing.com/

Machine House Brewing-Georgetown (Seattle)
This is a new brewery and the third in Georgetown and that shows in the set up-pretty sparse. It’s not super obvious where it is, so it can be hard to find. What does that mean for you? It’s not cram packed full of hipsters prefunking prior to hitting another bar. The vibe is mellow, and it’s in an old Machine house along Airport Way. The beer list is still small, there were 4 beers available when we went, but they were good. I had the Machine House Mild-an English Dark Mild. It was what I would want to drink in the summer, when it was too hot for a Guinness. Yep, a light bodied dark beer. Nick had the Bitter, a smooth beer that wasn’t overwhelmingly hoppy. We’re heading back there Friday with friends and will try something else.  They also had a gingered version of their Gold. It reminded me of my days drinking with the guys from Trade Route Brewing, before they moved south and changed and then were bought out.  Nostalgia aside…this wasn’t my favorite beer. If the ginger was toned down, I’d like it more. Of note-this place is COLD. Seriously. Its in an old machine house, with high ceilings, and big windows. Bring a coat, and bundle up the tots. I wore gloves.
Parking: Lot and Street (yay!), but it is Georgetown so keep that in mind for Friday & Saturday nights
Noise Level? We went on a Sunday afternoon, so it was pretty quiet. I’ll update after going Friday night.
Beers on a scale of 1-10? Nick says 8, I say 7
Food? Nope, but they have peanuts and outside food is ok, which is great, since Stellar Pizza is just down the street
Playtime? We saw one other couple there with a toddler. There’s a wooden train set toy and a fair amount of seating
Website? http://www.machinehousebrewery.com/

Urban Family Brewing-Ballard (Seattle)
I bought a Living Social deal for them, which prompted me to check them out. They have a few beers of their own and they choose really awesome guest taps. I had a Maritime Navigator Dunkle that I loved, and Nick had an End of Reason from Gigantic Brewing-also super delish. We got there about 7 pm, and they were already out of their own beers (after opening at 5), which was a bummer, but they did have a little of their Pils on reserve. Since we came out and had Tiny Beast in tow, they comped us a beer for free (yay!). The customer service was awesome. The gal had us try quite a few samples after asking us what we were into, she was fast and super attentive.  The food was really good too. Nick had the Smokehouse burger with chili and I had the Bacon & Blue with a salad. They have a couple appetizers, and a vegetarian option. One thing to note, this place makes their burgers right, pinkish red in the middle. Yum!
Parking? Ugh. It’s Ballard. Street parking takes a while to find.
Noise Level? This place is pretty packed and there’s music and a lot of people talking. Keep that in mind if your kiddo is overwhelmed easily.
Food? Yes!  YAY!  Burgers run about $11, with a side.
Playtime? We saw one other baby there
Beers on a scale of 1-10? Guest taps, 9. Their beer, the pils was a 6. Not sure about the others.
Website? http://www.urbanfamilypublichouse.com/

Well, there’s the start folks. Next on tap (ha, get it?) will be Two Beers (where all the Baron patrons seemed to have gone off to) and Schooner Exact, a tap room I haven’t been for over a year.

What family friendly tap rooms do you like?
Best,
Raina

We. Had. Sun!

To some of you that isn’t a big deal, but here in the Northwest, sunny days this time of year are amazing and rare! They hold the promise that Spring is close, and summer…well, it must be right around the corner. Of course, sun doesn’t mean warmth here, but you’ll still see people out in their shorts and tees in 50 degree weather, including the socks and sandals combo (I still don’t get that, I like my galoshes).  I love, love, love Spring and am pretty darn excited to see my bulbs coming in and starting to bloom. T

Nick and his Dad have been doing the hard labor to get the yard and garden beds ready for me, so I can start planting my veggies, herbs and fruits. Last year, I didn’t quite get the garden I wanted-a lot of time was spent handling family issues and other more important tasks, but I did manage to get some amazing tomatoes planted. You can see a bit more of that garden here.  There’s nothing quite like the taste of a fresh picked tomato. Yum.

I have some rough plans mapped out, I have 2 long and narrow beds, one large 10X10 bed and a 4X4 bed along with containers that hold all I like to plant. There’s some work to do, but with maternity leave, I have had time to map everything out and start a list of what I will be planting. I can’t wait to get out there this week and next and get dirty!

On tap for this week:
Dead heading! I have a few crops, mostly herbs, that just don’t die back. I trim off the old, woody stuff and let the new growth come up. Yesterday, I saw that the mint I planted in the main bed bolted. Note to self-mint should go in a container or it takes over everything. I’ll be digging all of that up, and giving some to friends, drying some, and putting the rest in a container. I also have wild mint that grows in the rose beds by my front door. I need to trim that up, too.
Soil amending!  I need to boost up the nutrients and till everything up to make the soil nice and fluffy. I like to add compost, extra soil and a nitrogen/super whatever the store makes amender goop that I toss in. I’ll add the name when I order it, I sadly only know it by the picture-I’m screwed if the label ever changes.
Starting seeds! I have a few varieties of squash and tomatoes and bell peppers that I’ll be starting in little containers in my dining room.
Plant Sale! Seattle Tilth has amazing plant sales in March and May. You can buy seeds and starts and get expert advice from fellow gardeners.
Planting starts! I’ll be planting my peas, broccoli, artichoke, kale, chard and some lettuce this week to give them plenty of time to get started. I’m not quite sure of the varieties of each, I’ll pick and choose as I go.  Next week or the week after (weather dependent), I’ll plant beans.  I’m also excited to use the wrought iron trellises from my Dad’s house.

Usually, Spring is spent adding something new to the garden every week. Sometimes I pick up too many plants late in the season, and they sit in their little containers until I get too busy to plant them, and they die a sad planty death. This year, I hope to avoid that!  Here’ some garden shots for you-the first is of one of my giant squash-the plants yielded so many and this one wasn’t the largest. The next is a dewy tulip bulb from my front gardens!

This year, I am involved in something new! I’m part of a group that will be doing a progressive backyard farm tour, complete with snacks, drinks and eventually a dinner. That’s in two weeks, which is just enough time to wake up the garden and get things started. We’ll be visiting bees, chickens, fellow gardens and even get a stop in to peek at some goats. Yep. We have it all here in South Park! Henny is quite excited for visitors 😉

I’ll post pictures as I go, and keep folks up to date on what I planted that worked and what didn’t work so well. I’ll also get pictures of the goats, too!

What are your favorite cool weather crops?  Any garden plans for you all? This week for you readers, please post a comment, and I’ll pick a winner at random on Friday and send packets of my favorite seeds just in time for Spring! 🙂

Best to you all!
Raina

People have been asking for pictures of the nursery, and since Tiny Beast is down for a nap, I thought I’d post some pictures.  Much of the furniture and decorations are either things from my childhood, or from local artists, or handmade by me.  I wanted to go with a woodland theme, with a lot of critters and earth tones.  You’ll see that there is a Queen Anne buffet in the nursery; normally a crib would live in that spot, but since Izzy has to sleep in a harness on her belly, we moved the crib into our bedroom, since the bassinet won’t work for anything but supervised naps.  I’m really happy how it turned out-it’s warm, just sunny enough, and there’s a nice tree that attracts a lot of birds just outside. It’s been a great spot to pump and rock her when she’s fussy during the day.

This is where the crib normally lives. The banner is made of fabric and flowers, and spells out her name. It’s attached to willow reeds that hold little critters!

 The pictures are each of her ultrasound pictures, with space for one more picture of her now that she is here (gotta get on that!).

 We wanted to bring in family pictures-my great, great grandparents, Nick’s great and grandparents, my Mom and Dad are here too, along with a plate with written wishes from my baby showers.

 Along with the woodland theme, we incorporated Tom Clark Gnomes that my parents used to collect, along with fossilized wood my Dad and I collected and polished, and a tree stump jewelry box my Dad made when I was little.  For those of you who know me, I collect rocks, so I added a few of those in too. They are tucked around the nursery in little spots, just out of the reach of little hands.

Here is the corner-a butterfly print from Ikea (Nick calls me Mariposa, so I wanted to add that in). There are the curtains that I made (also with gnomes) and the butterfly mobile from my friend Liz. The pink blob in the corner is crystal cluster specimen collected by my Dad and I from a sulfur flat. Every year, we would go to this remote location and hop in, or stand on the edge of suflur pits, and break off these massive chunks of pink salt crystals.  We’d come home caked in salt, smelling of rotting eggs, with a few amazing specimens. While I don’t remember it being my favorite activity, looking back on it, it was a great time.

These pictures are from Justin Hargrove, an artist whose work I adore. It’s Disney meets Creepy, and I just love them!

Continuing with the woodland theme, we have more critters, another Hilgrove picture, and porcelain figures my parents picked up in England-these are also scattered around the nursery, like the rocks and the gnomes. The squirrel is oddly, a dog toy from my first dog as an adult, and the tree is drift wood from one of my first trips to the Washington coast. Pretty much everything has a story behind it here, and I am happy to have reused things I had laying around.

Most things in this picture are from my childhood as well-I can’t wait to share my love of books with Izzy as she grows. Right now, she seems to like “Hands, Hands, Fingers, Thumb”.

The rocking chair was the one that my parents used with me, the old well-loved bear was given to my mom when my parents were dating, and then given to me. I chewed his nose off, and squeezed the stuffing into his legs. The antique quilt on the back of the chair has the letters of the alphabet and images sewn on. It’s just big enough to cover Izzy and I when she’s fussy. I had originally intended to use the footstool as a  footstool, but found that it makes the perfect end  table for books, snacks, my pump and anything else I need close by. I recovered with with wood grain patterned fabric. The curtains are from Ikea and were cute AND super cheap. What more do you need?

This lamp is a work in progress. Those circle glue dots don’t hold well, so I’ll be using my hot glue gun to finish this bad boy, you get the idea though.

Lastly, the rug-from Ikea-it’s super cute and just big enough.  It’s adorable, and works well with the rest of the items in Tiny Beasts nursery.

That’s the tour! Lots of love, cute recycled items, and a good sense of our past and family to share with Izzy.

What did you incorporate into your personal space/nurseries that make you smile?

Cheers,
Raina

An older gal told me this in passing the other week while at a doctors visit, mentioning that I should cherish these days, as they all fly by.

It’s so true already. Tiny Beast is just over a month, and the past few weeks are mostly a blur, and it feels like so long ago that we had her. It also feels like it’s gone by in a flash.  For those of you who are new to the blog, you can read more about Tiny Beast’s arrival here.

The days are spent pumping, bottle and tube feeding her every 3 hours, about a half gallon of breast milk a day. The other hours are spent snuggling her ever-growing body in beams of sunlight or under antique quilts, and journaling our adventures in my tiny notebook. I don’t do as many crafts as I used to, instead, the time is spent doting over and gazing at her tiny features.  After nearly a decade of wanting her and planning for her, I am still amazed that she is here.

Her weight is increasing so well, and she is eating more and more by bottle-usually more than half her total feed.  We continue to try breastfeeding, and she gets better with each attempt. Sometimes she just screams at my chest, which doesn’t do either of us much good. It’s all just for the closeness, and when that doesn’t work, we grab a bottle of milk and snuggle together instead. Her tests continue to come back strong, indicating that she won’t have any side effects from the fluid on her lungs, or the cleft pallet. We’re still so, so lucky. The doctors are amazed at her development, and excited to see what else she can accomplish-she’s hitting milestones ahead of time, which feels good after the challenges the first week brought. We have a great team at two hospitals who want to see her be as healthy as possible.

We have had amazing support in friends and family, between meals being delivered and house keeping/gardening help, we’ve been able to relax. The cards, and calls have all been so welcomed and I can’t say enough how amazed I am for the amount of love this kid has. Thank you all, so much!  I suck at asking for help, and am way better at saying ‘thank you’. I know it takes a village, and I am grateful for an amazing village.

We’re still cooking up a storm, which feels good. The food blog will be updated this week with my gumbo and pot pie recipes.  We’re also getting out more, seeing friends and having people over. The normalcy feels good.

Of course, it’s not all cuteness and happy times. Tiny Beast can yell. In addition to that skill, she can also poop up a storm. I had no clue of the sheer volume of poo and noises that something so small can produce.

This whole experience has really forced by to evaluate who I am, and how I live, and all my attempts at planning anything have gone out the window. She’s making me a better person every moment, and I am so grateful for that. Even at 2 am, when she starts wailing, when I just laid back down after pumping and tube feeding her for the past hour.

We’re still learning about what works and what doesn’t, and I know that will be an ongoing activity, but for now, her laughs and smiles are all the motivation I need.  I leave you with a quick picture from her birthday. She was not amused.

All my best to you all, as you find your way through chaotic times 🙂
Raina

Dorothy said, “there’s no place like home”.

So many times in the last 6 days I wished that I could click my heels together and come home. I wanted to be away from the alarms, the noise, and to allow Isabella to know that people don’t normally smell like hand sanitizer.  I wanted my bed, and to have her in her crib. I wanted to eat food that didn’t have mayonnaise as a main ingredient.

The idea that we would be going home soon was so exciting and really helped to get us through. At each feeding, I talked to Isabella about our adventure plans, and told her about all the things we had for her at home. It’s amazing how small things like that can help you block out the challenging things.

Sunday, it looked like we would be able to go home early in the week, provided she passed her hearing test, her CO2 test and her carseat test. We also needed to have all of her equipment ordered and we needed to learn nasalgastric tube feeding and placement (say that three times fast!).  Monday, first thing, we started banging out the tests. Blood was taken, equipment ordered, ng tube placement was done on the fly as my little beast pulled her tube out. Nick ran into our Specialist in the cafeteria, who let us know that she had passed her blood work-she looked good!  The feeding equipment came, and we were taught how to use it (we had been learning all week from the nursing staff, which sure helped). Audiology came out, and ran the needed tests-she aced 4 out of 4 of them. It was looking good!

It was time for the car seat challenge. 90 minutes in the car seat you brought with out any dips in oxygen saturation or vitals. She had to be able to breathe smoothly, and well…fit.  I’m pretty sure Nick and I held our breath for the first minute. Our eyes bounced between Izzy, the monitor and the clock.  Every time a stat dipped, so did our hope of getting out of there.  Finally, the 90 minutes were up. She had passed and we didn’t need one more piece of equipment.

Close to 6 pm, we realized that the last piece of equipment, the oxymeter, hadn’t been delivered. We couldn’t leave before it came. The nurse had already tried calling the care coordinators, but they had left at 4. I opted to call the company directly. They asked when were to be discharged, as they didn’t want to send before then and I kindly let them know it was a few hours prior, and could they please bring the equipment so we could just get home?  In my head, I wanted to reach through the phone and shake the holy hell out of the guy, but this wasn’t his fault. 🙂

The equipment was delivered shortly after, and we started to pack. At 11:30 pm, almost one week after heading to the hospital, we were given our walking papers and allowed to go home. Walking through the entry way into the cranial-facial section was the most exciting thing ever! As we got closer to the exit, I wanted to start running. I knew we were good to leave, I just didn’t want anyone changing their minds…Leaving felt so amazing. Things were going to be normal again!!! This is our holy crap, we’re tired, but getting the hell out of the hospital picture!

We woke my mom up when we got home (she had been watching the critters for us), and she was so excited. We all were. Next was the task of setting everything up, and plotting how to surprise Nick’s folks. We slept soundly on an air mattress in her nursery, so happy to be home.

The next day brought plotting to surprise Nick’s family, especially his Dad, whose birthday it was.  We had so many people to coordinate and getting the dog home, that we decided to let Nick’s mom organize it. She was great, making sure everyone knew just what to do!  We were able to surprise him, and Izzy got to meet her Great Grandma, too.

The week has gone by, some days longer than others.  This blog has taken me multiple days to write, mostly done when pumping, since I can’t go anywhere for 30 minutes, every two hours.

Izzy continues to amaze us-sometimes with how much she can cry-man does that kid have lungs!  But she also amazes us in how focused she is and snuggly.  She is already close to 9 lbs, and has grown an inch-all within her first week here.  She’s such a little trooper!

It feels good to be home and to know that for at least 11 weeks, all I have to is pump, rest, and do everything I can to make her happy.  There isn’t much more that I need in this life 🙂

Here’s to your happiness and always coming home.  Below the picture is a quote that fits us well 🙂

In my head and before today, I wrote this blog over and over. It was this glowing story of how my baby girl came into this world and wrapped up with us driving home with a bundle of joy, perfectly swaddled, ready to whip up a nice meal.

Yeah…That didn’t happen.

It started with a 13 day delay in her arrival, which, if you’ve been reading my blog lately worked out quite well.

On January 17th, we went in for testing and a discussion of next steps to get Izzy out of me. She was perfectly content, with plenty of fluid cushioning her and she wasn’t in any distress. I joked she had made a fort, and probably set up a mini bar in there. Options were thrown around-the Foley Catheter, Misoprostol, Cervidil. There was talk of rupturing membranes and discussion of what we could do for next steps if these options didn’t work. We opted to sit on it.  I researched every method, asking other moms and eventually crying on the couch in overwhelm at the possible side effects of the medications. I just wanted her to come out on her own.

On Monday the 21st, we went back in. I had decided to start with a membrane scrape, following by a scheduled induction for the next evening using Cervidil, the least risky of the medications.  Plans were made to hit a local bar for one last night out, and to celebrate a friends birthday. Around 6 that night, I started to feel light contractions, chalking it up to cramping from the membrane scrape. We got home around 9, and I ended up calling it a pretty early night. I was tired and still feeling crampy.

I woke up at 7 the next day, and logged into work. Knowing that my labor was going to be induced 12 hours later, I opted to work a half day.  The cramping had continued, but wasn’t regular, just stronger. Somewhere around 10 I mentioned jokingly to Nick that I may be going into labor.  Around 1, the contractions became stronger and stronger, but were still pretty manageable. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t deal with.

As the night went on, the contractions grew in regularly and increased in strength. I was in pain, but this was fine, as it was time to leave for the hospital. When we got there, I let them know I was there to be induced, but may not need to be, as I was probably in labor.  This got an odd look until I told the contractions were coming every 10-20 mins, and lasting about 1-2 minutes each.  We were admitted, and I found out one of my favorite midwives was the one on call.

I’ll pause here in the story to recap things I know now:
Natural labor hurts.
A lot.
That is all.

I labored in the bed for another 4 hours, trying to walk and not vomit, and then sitting as the pain was too bad. I rolled around in the bed, trying to use stupid visualization and deep breathing, and other natural pain management techniques. Nothing was stopping the pain. Nick was a rock, providing the only relief I could get-back and leg rubs and encouragement. It was time to move to the tub, to see if this would relieve the pain. It was at this point all of my modesty went out of the window. I didn’t care what stranger saw me naked, I just wanted that damn Jacuzzi tube. Nick, a nurse, my midwife, and my giant pregnant belly squeezed into the bathroom to see how well the tub worked.

It didn’t.

It was at this point I asked the question I had been dreading, “How soon is too soon to get an epidural?”. After 13 hours (I don’t count when it didn’t hurt bad enough to stop me), I was done. I wasn’t having fun, and I didn’t think I was going to have enough energy to push, let alone enjoy the birth of my baby. To make sure I was indeed making the right choice, we checked to see how dilated I was. 8-we push through. Anything below 5, we get the epidural going. I was a three. A measly three. A ‘you have 7 cm’s to go before you are ready to go’, three. Bah.

The epidural quickly went in, and the world was an amazing, beautiful, happy place. I could still feel my legs, and had movement, but couldn’t feel much pain. I could still feel the sensation of my contractions too. It was all going to be ok, and I wasn’t going to die an overly dramatic death.

9 hours later, the epidural started to wear off, but was quickly fixed for me by using the game show buzzer thing. It was time to push.

At 1:10 pm, under the watchful eye of the Space Needle, under a slate sky, Isabella Grace came into the world, not with a whimper, but a ferocious scream, announcing her presence to the world.  She was placed quickly on my chest, and looked up at me with strong, dark blue eyes. She was mine, and I was hers.  Nick cut her cord, and we gazed at her sweet tiny face lovingly.

All was right in the world, until it wasn’t.

It became clear she wasn’t breathing right. Her breathing was shallow, she had a wet and high pitched wheeze, and she wasn’t taking to breast.  People were called, and doctors pulled her away from me. I was told to push to deliver the placenta.  It wouldn’t come out, and I couldn’t concentrate. It was clear it was going to have to be removed by hand. I didn’t care, I strained to see my baby girl and to hear what was happening.  I could only catch bits of words, pallet, tongue, fluid. Then laughing, Nick was peed on twice. I thought, “It must be ok” but I wondered, “Why didn’t I have my baby?  When were they going to give her back?”.

More words, people, bodies buzzing about, alarms screaming that something was wrong with her tiny body. I just wanted my fucking baby. After all I had been through this year, this month, this week. I wanted to hold her.  I earned this, I deserved this. I needed this. More words. I was told I had torn during delivery, stitches went in, and I didn’t care. Things were flying by in a haze.

Finally, things slowed down. She had fluid in her lungs, and this was preventing her from breathing right. Her pallet wasn’t formed right, and she had a tongue tie. This was preventing her from nursing, and would prevent her from eating right away. She needed to go to the Special Care Unit. I was able to hold her again, but briefly. The med team trickled out, but stayed close, so we could have some privacy. After only a few minutes, she was quiet and she looked like she had stopped breathing, then the monitors starting going off. I jostled her to get to wake up, yelling for Nick to get the nurse, begging for her to wake up. The nurses ran in to take her away as she was waking up. I was terrified, and just like that she was gone.

I was wheeled up to see her a little while later. She was mostly alert, but tired. I was able to hold her for an hour, snuggling her tiny warm body. She was still gasping for air, but was stable.  Specialists continued to buzz around us and our family, assessing what could be done for her. It was decided that she would be transferred to NICU at Seattle Children’s Hospital where they would coordinate with the cranial-facial team.

I was brought back to my room and Nick and I just sat in shock. How could this have happened?  What did I do wrong?  I did everything right-I didn’t drink, I ate organic, I exercised, watched what I ate, and only ate fast food twice. All that to end up with a baby who couldn’t breathe. I was devastated and I only slept after the combination of hours of labor and crying made me pass out.

The next day, NICU came to pick her up via ambulance, bringing a plexiglass transport crib. It didn’t feel real. Izzy was crying so hard she was shaking. I was so grateful for one staff member-a mid 50’s, brick house of a man, with a giant chest and hands that looked like they could rip a tree out of the ground with a quick tug. He wore suspenders with chili peppers on them and had a soft voice, saying “if you hear alarms, you look at me. If I don’t look nervous, you don’t need to be. It’ll all be ok.”  It was the first time I thought that it may be alright. He proceeded to bend over Izzy, cupping her tiny body in his massive hands, cooing and patting her. She settled down, and with that, I did too. They took her away and I started to cry, and the hospital staff ran to comfort us. They loved Izzy already too. We would arrive at Children’s NICU a few hours later, unsure of what would happen.

The NICU is a quiet place, with the exception of the alarms, the machines, and the quiet buzz of the staff discussing the most recent updates of the tiny patients. Walking in, there was one baby crying-mine. All of the other babies were intubated or just couldn’t cry louder than a whimper. It was a relief. In looking at the posts from Facebook, I am reminded of the fear I felt that my child wasn’t going to be healthy, and the guilt I felt with each small win she had. The baby next to us was so tiny, and was hooked up to so many machines. He had also been there long enough that his parents had brought in toys, a mobile, and other comforts of home. The longer we were there, the more that stood out; kids who had been there, and didn’t have a chance of going home any time soon had their nurseries in the hospital. We felt transient, and I hoped that would be the case.

The next day, we were transferred out of the NICU and into the Cranial-Facial ward. This area was brighter, louder and with children whose issues far surpassed Izzy’s. We were met with intermittent screams of pain, and debilitating conditions and the feeling that this was the end of the line for some kids. Again, I considered myself so lucky-my child looked normal and was healthy. She couldn’t breathe perfectly in certain positions, and needed help eating. Some of these kids couldn’t breathe without assistance and were on their 4th or 5th surgeries. My heart broke for them, and again, I felt guilt for knowing my child was doing so well. She was three days old-already holding her head up, pushing herself up, breathing better and increasing her feeds. She was 3 days old.

The days would pass and every few hours would bring a new success. She would eventually breathe even better, and start taking a bottle, she would try to nurse on me and she would get to a healthy level of eating, a good amount of which would be by bottle. She would pass her hearing tests with flying colors, and her blood work would all come back normal. Quickly, word spread around about her, and specialists were coming left and right to see her and get us out of there.

When all was said and done, we were finally able to come home, 6 days later from when we left to bring her into the world.

No one expects that their child will be born with a condition, or require intensive care. I am humbled by everything I was exposed to. I am so, so grateful to the unconditional love and support of friends, family and the staff we met along the way. I have a renewed faith in one’s ability to push through hardships and to find the silver lining in the darkest of situations. Looking back, I have to ask Nick if some of this even happened, as it all seems like a bad dream. We talk about how a week flew by and drug on, all at the same time, and how lucky we truly are. He’s pointed out that there were some things in this blog that I minimized and how much worse some of the things were. All I know is that I am so, so happy to be home, and that she is ok. There’s nothing better in the world than that.

With that, I leave you with happiness, love, and quotes~

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”  – Dr. Seuss

“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity”. – Ulysses S. Grant

Best,
Raina, Nick and Isabella