On holding back

This is one of those posts that don’t really fall into a category, it’s about me and my thoughts and giving you, dear reader, a little glimpse into mommahood over here at MMG.

True story: I hold back. I don’t always jump in with both feet. Sure, I make some shit show decisions, but lately…there’s a block. There’s a wall, and seriously, I don’t even know what to do with it. I don’t even know if I would have realized it, had it not been pointed out to me by a friend lately and there was even a perfect descriptor: Tentative.

And it’s true. And weird. When the hell did I become shy; so unsure? When did I start holding back and stop doing what I know makes me happy? When did I start second guessing things in my personal life?

Work? Pfft. I’ve got that. I’m pretty darned confident in my decisions and requests. You need something researched, handled, coordinated? I’m on it. Process or program changes? I’m your gal. That kinda stuff is my strong suit-it’s not about me which really makes it easier. It’s about getting things done and improvements made. It has a start and end. The crazy and flux doesn’t get to me as I know I can handle or control it and happily, the buck often stops with me.

I clock out, and it’s like a light switches off. Call it decision fatigue, being tired from being “on”, or whatever, but I just start questioning everything. I leave work, come home and the house that was just clean is destroyed (as in toddler level warfare went on while I was out). Being a mom is tough, and stressful and I second guess everything and worry that I am not doing enough (who doesn’t!?). Kiddo has been in a phase (ummm…since birth) where I am her favorite person, which means constant snuggles, games, dancing, and at the risk of sounding like a kid myself-constant touching. She’s an awesome side kick, but holy crap, when can a gal pee by herself??

You combine all that with very little “me” time and shit yes, I am tentative. At the end of the day, I have no energy left for decision making as I am in mom survival mode and I am tired.

So. Damn. Tired.

I’ll own it. I don’t need to volunteer for multiple organizations and blog in addition to being mom and corporate job lady. I don’t need to pack my calendar full, but you know what? I do. That cocktail with friends? I am pretty sure that’s keeping me sane. The class I co-teach weekly? I can bring kiddo and she gets to play with other kids. Writing? I keep that around to get this all out of my head.

So where does that leave me? Well…I…huh. I have no idea, but something has to give. I’m starting to bring it back to the way I handle work: delegate, coping skills, and write it down to get it done.

I made the decision that I’m getting a maid-my spare time and sanity are worth the cost. I’m restocking my wine fridge, too.  Those things I want that make me happy, or provide a reprieve from the crazy? Add those to list as I’m doing those too. Is this going to make me less tentative? Maybe not in all scenarios, but something has to give, and dammit. It can’t be me again.

So bring on the wine, the momma’s night out, date nights…it’s time for a change. Oh, and new maid? I’m sorry in advance.

How do you find balance when you have to be “on” all the time?

~Yours in momma craziness~
Raina

 

 

5 comments

  1. Trent Max says:

    Hey. And I’m being nice so don’t be mean. Have you ever thought about working out to make yourself feel better? As in, strength training with a personal trainer? It really helps you feel energized, strong and balanced because it works on those things from the most basic level–our physiology.

    You probably don’t want advice from me. But you’re a good writer and I admire that. So…

    ps I’m not as bad as I make myself out to be on Twitter

    • makemendgrow says:

      Good suggestion! While I hate gyms, I do yoga, run, or if it’s been a particularly rough day, I like boxing. Physical activity definitely helps, although, it’s not nearly as easy as wine 🙂

      Thanks for being a good sport on my tweet, too!

  2. Barb says:

    [* Shield plugin marked this comment as “spam”. Reason: Failed GASP Bot Filter Test (comment token failure) *]
    I think that you should stop being so hard on yourself, the toddler years are very hard and if your brain doesn’t want to make one more decision, it’s OK. Being a mum doesn’t mean we are perfect, it means we try to be as perfect as we can. So have drinks with the girls, have a glass or a whole damn bottle of wine. You get to be just you, not anyone else. Times will change as they get older, it does get better. Just remember you are not a machine.

  3. Sarah Jensen says:

    [* Shield plugin marked this comment as “spam”. Reason: Failed GASP Bot Filter Test (comment token failure) *]
    Ohhh I so relate! It’s so hard to have the energy to get out there and kick butt when you’re already stretched super thin. Some of the things that I find work when I get to this point – i.e. on the brink of burnout, are to reschedule some non-important meetings, tasks, etc. for a few weeks later than they’re already scheduled so you can create a little space in your calendar. I also do a bit of a life audit and see what I’m doing that I don’t need to, where I’m giving too much time/energy/being waaaaaayyyyyyy over generous or putting others first way more than I need to. It can feel icky at first because us women are serious people pleasers but looking after yourself is so important. And good on you for getting a maid – I say if you can afford it, go for it – whether it’s a cleaner, meal delivery service, whatever it is – outsource, outsource, outsource! As for me, my ‘balance’ trick is to clear my calendar for at least 24 hours and sleep – everything feels a little less overwhelming when I’ve had some sleep!

  4. Sarah Jensen says:

    Ohhh I so relate! It’s so hard to have the energy to get out there and kick butt when you’re already stretched super thin. Some of the things that I find work when I get to this point – i.e. on the brink of burnout, are to reschedule some non-important meetings, tasks, etc. for a few weeks later than they’re already scheduled so you can create a little space in your calendar. I also do a bit of a life audit and see what I’m doing that I don’t need to, where I’m giving too much time/energy/being waaaaaayyyyyyy over generous or putting others first way more than I need to. It can feel icky at first because us women are serious people pleasers but looking after yourself is so important. And good on you for getting a maid – I say if you can afford it, go for it – whether it’s a cleaner, meal delivery service, whatever it is – outsource, outsource, outsource! As for me, my ‘balance’ trick is to clear my calendar for at least 24 hours and sleep – everything feels a little less overwhelming when I’ve had some sleep!

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