A quick update to the below post! I was able to knock out a couple of projects-below is boozy cherry jam. As you can see there’s a good amount of dark rum missing from the bottle that went into the jam (recipe called for 2 TB, I called for more). Along with the rum I added holiday spices-cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, and sugar. I cooked the mixture for almost two hours on medium-low, so it just bubbled away, adding sugar and pectin later on. I didn’t have quite enough cherries for the chipotle BBQ sauce, so I made a small batch of cherry preserves for game (duck, elk, etc). That’s a simple recipe with pepper, apple cider vinegar, cayenne and a couple of other spices cooked on low. Its pretty sharp, but oh so good. I definitely recommend it.

With everything that has been going on, I have had this deep desire to do. Do what you ask? Anything! I long to get creative again and get back to crafting. So without further adieu, here’s my craft-tastic to do list for the months of June and July:

• Make boozy cherry jam. No…I haven’t made it yet! Sigh. I know. It is on tap for tonight, though!
• Make the chipotle cherry jam-so excited about this. Super easy since I’ll have the cherries pitted!
• Complete my patch quilt. The large squares are done, so I am closer to piecing it all together
• Start on a baby quilt for a friend. This one I can’t wait to do…I may bump it above the patch quilt!!
• Make a new summer apron with the cherry design and smaller cherry print for the pockets and straps. Add the red lace as a trim-so fun and cute. 
• Edit my Yellowstone pics-I can’t believe its been almost a month since I was there!!
• Draft the new craft studio construction plans. This has been a work in progress. I am excited to announce the horrible, dark, and cluttered garage and car port will be torn down to be rebuilt into my new, shiny craft studio. It will also have a loft for all of my storagy/normal garage things as well. This will really free up some room in the house, so ready for this change!
• Complete the landscape designs for the back yard. These are actually almost done in their draft form. I need to complete the craft studio plans first though.

Today we laid my father to rest. The sun shone behind thick clouds. A gentle mist came and went, stopping just in time for the funeral and starting again after my father’s ashes were interred. My grandfather had arranged a full military ceremony at Mt Tahoma National Cemetery. The Air Force was there, as was the honor guard led by my Grandfather. It was a perfect tribute to a man who served his country well. His praises were spoken, and his courage in duty was highlighted. It was nice to have my Daddy, the hero presented. It was a beautiful tribute to a wonderful, strong man who needed a little support after being so strong for so long. I am so grateful that we were able to honor him in the way that I knew him best.

A gun salute was done, taps was played and a final role call was given. The flag was given to my mother after being solemnly folded by young airman in addition to three spent rounds representing Duty, Honor, and Country. I miss him terribly, and I imagine that I always will, but it felt good to have this process complete.

My Grandmother chose this  poem for my Grandfather to read at today’s ceremony, and I feel it is an appropriate way to end this post, this day and this part of my life. To you, Daddy. May you find the peace in passing that you were searching for in life. I love you so much.
Raina

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I can’t believe it has been almost a week. The days have flown by, but I don’t remember much about them. Calls have been made, accounts have been closed, debts have been forgiven, arrangements for donations have been made, and the funeral has been planned. I went to a few personal appointments too. It’s slowly coming together, but there’s still so much to do.

I still have my mother here, close by. I’m not quite ready to let her go out on her own, and I don’t know that I am quite ready to be on my own either.

The past week seems like a blur, but based on my notes, quite a few things got done. Yesterday, I went to see my dad’s body to say good bye. It felt good to see him and tell him everything I had wanted to say the past week, and to get closure. I needed to tell him that I was sorry for not being there for him before and during his final moments, but also to tell him I forgave him and didn’t blame him for his decision to leave in the way he did. I held his hand and told him about how I am doing. He looked so peaceful, like he was resting. I can’t remember the last time my father looked at peace. I’m always going to miss him, but I am so glad for the time I got to spend with him yesterday. It helped with the closure I needed.

After the viewing, we went to one of his favorite restaurants, Steamers, and ate fish and chips and looked out at the water. It was nice to do something that he enjoyed doing.

There’s still a big hole in my heart, but it hurts less every day. I know that some days will be harder than others. After almost 16 years, it will be strange to never go to his apartment again after I finish emptying his home. It will be strange to not get random calls from him talking about a food creation he made with salmon, ramen noodles, veggies, and some mystery ingredient. This father’s day will be hard, as will his birthday one week later. I guess you just find ways to honor those that you love and try to move on with your new life.

More than my hurt for my loss, I so badly want to find a way to change things with the state of mental health care. There’s no reason that people should suffer. There’s no reason we have overburdened systems, and too many patients and not enough qualified people to help. There’s so much that can be done on a personal level, just by reaching out and taking care of one another. That’s just my soap box though. I am sure I will have more on this, as the ideas that are floating around in my head become more solid.

My love to each of you,
Raina

It’s 2:17 am. I’ve been up and down all night, crying and wanting to throw up. I’m dreading tomorrow…or well, at this point, later today.

It’s now a little later, just before 9. I spent this morning listening to his old voice mails to hear his voice and to hear him say that he loves me. Finally being lazy about deleting voice mails comes in handy. I spent the majority of the night crying. I am crying now. I know it isn’t the case, but I wonder if I’ll ever stop crying.

I am so grateful for my friends and family. My guys are getting bodies to help move all of his furniture/belongings out. My Grandparents are setting up the funeral. I just need to get paperwork and help my mom. it seems like so little, but I don’t know that I have the energy for much else today. I don’t feel very present today, and I just feel numb. I know that will change. I’m so scared to tell my mom. I can’t lose another parent.

I am still stuck with wanting to know why. I do and I don’t understand. He was tormented, and in constant pain. He was overwhelmed. I keep wondering why he didn’t reach out to me, or someone to come help him. I would have gone down there, day or night. I keep wishing I had called earlier in the week. Maybe I could have helped him. But I know he was tired of being a burden. I know he was tired of making life hard for those that he loved. He hated not being independent and needing help and he hated where his life had gone and what he became. He was miserable, lonely and isolated. I am glad that before he left, he made amends with his family. I am so glad he reached out and reconnected with those who loved him so. That at least was a positive. We have happy memories of him.

He was, and will always be, the best Daddy a gal could ever have. I’ll always remember the amazing adventures we had, the late night go-carting in the Hammobile with my Texas friends; rock hunting in the desert with my California friends. Daddy, you are so loved, and so, so missed. I hope you have your peace. Rest well.

Rainy Cloud

It’s another 12 hours later. 26 hours after I found out about my dad. I went to his apartment this morning. It looked like he had just stepped out. I had to go through things to find paperwork from his military service. I wanted to see if there was a note as well. I managed to find the paper work, but sadly, there wasn’t a note. It really was just like he stepped out. It was nice to walk around his home, to have something familiar. In looking for items, and going through drawers, and it was nice to see traces of my old dad-rocks everywhere, candy, art supplies, his hobbies laid out around the house. In leaving I gave his pillow a big hug. It still smelled like him. It’s those small things that I’ll miss the most.

I met with my mom and told her. Disbelief and sorrow hit her, just like it has been for me. I scooped her up and brought her home. We just keep crying together, not sure of what to do; not wanting to believe this is real-that he is really gone. She had done the same thing as me-listened to a message to hear his voice. I’ll play her my voice mails, so she can hear the real dad, and hear him say “I love you”. I need to figure out how to get those recordings off of my iphone, so I can save them for when I need him most.

I had a pretty big appointment today, and when I got home I sat in the car crying and talking to him. Its all that I could do. I bitched that he should be there for me to call him. I begged for him to come back. I told him I was sorry and wish I could bring him back home, and that I should have called him. Of course, its never going to happen, but it helped to be able to discuss what happened in my day. I hope wherever he is, he’s looking down on mom and I and that he gets to see how our lives turn out.

The next few weeks will be planning his funeral, getting my mom set up financially, closing out his affairs, and cleaning out his apartment. That in itself will be a daunting task. Luckily, my Grandparents are taking over so much of it. I’m in charge of caring for my mom and coordinating things at his apartment. It seems like so little, but yet so much.

People have been so good at checking in. If you’re reading this, thank you. I don’t know what I need, or even 100% how I feel. Everything just feels so raw right now. Everything hurts, and I feel lost. Words of support and encouragement have been welcomed. It lets Mom and I know we’re not alone. I’m trying hard not to be what Daddy called “Tough Raina”, which boiled down to being stubborn. I’m used to taking care of things on my own, and not really talking about the bad things with many people. I don’t like to bring people down. This is just…I don’t know. I don’t feel normal right now. I want people to understand. I want people to know that they should do everything in their power to help those around them. I want to feel better. I don’t know how else to do that, but to just write everything in my head out, which is different than how I like things to be. We’ll see. I may say screw it on the whole “it takes a village” concept of self-care…but for now, I just want to write and grieve and adjust to a new life I didn’t think I would have.  Thanks for sticking in there and reading all of this.
My love to each of you,
Raina

I don’t even know how to start this post, or if I will even publish it. Right now, I am hurting. My soul feels like it is crushed and I don’t know what else to do but write and cry. This post will be raw, and may contain things you don’t want to read. This isn’t for you, this is for me, and for me to heal.

I’m sitting here yelling answers at Jeopardy after a good long nap. After dealing with social workers, hospitals and therapists; I’m taking a day off to do nothing and to be silly.  It feels good.

Why you ask am I yelling at the TV? Because in my house…Jeopardy is a ridiculous show where the wrong answer is often the better answer.  This also works for saying the same answer over and over. For instance: the topic was Local Newspapers…I knew one of them was bound to be “The Herald”…So I kept saying it. While my loss was 800, my right answer was worth 1600.  We also do actually play the show, and when we stop being silly, do pretty well.  So…What started this blog?  A Jeopardy based conversation with Nick. I say I am lucky, as not many people would engage in this silliness. 🙂

Nick: Would you ever go to see Jeopardy?
Me: I don’t know…
Nick: Apparently there’s free tickets. Would you go?
Me: Hmmm…Would it be raining?
Nick: Partly cloudy
Me: Can you ridicule the people who don’t answer right? Or yell your own answers?
Nick: You probably could, but you’d be thrown out.
Me: Totally worth it.
Nick:…
Me: (Interrupting) Would we be waiting for Conan?
Nick: Sure
Me: Then yes…if it was raining and there was nothing better to do and I could yell at the contestants on my way to go see Conan; then yes. I would go.

And there you have it. I have a neat guy, who doesn’t think its odd to yell random answers (which by the way was WAY more hilarious when I was drinking), and provides me with imaginary scenarios in which to attend shows that I like.

I’m also lucky for so many other reasons. This has not been a good week family-wise. Nick went down to Tacoma before I got off work to help clear my Dad’s apartment out. He made my a lovely dinner when I got home from Tacoma the next night around 11 pm, after starting work at 7 am. He picked up my new chicks for me while I was at work, so I would have a cute chirpy surprise when I got home.

It’s the big things, the little things, and the silly things which make me pretty darn lucky. Here’s to finding your  own competitive Jeopardy yelling cohort 🙂

Raina

Today, I want to hide in bed.

After that I want to venture out into the kitchen and bake warm, delicious treats and then sit in the garden and eat them.

Instead, I am working and coordinating calls out to family, hospitals and social workers while on breaks. During my vacation, my father went back in to the hospital. I’m glad my family waited to tell me until I was home and settled, so I could finally have time to myself. Now, I am waiting to see when he gets out and some next steps about his care, and where he will live. I am happy that he was proactive and checked himself in, but frustrated that this keeps happening, and that the VA can’t do more, and that he can’t take better care of himself.

These days, I am surprised that I have as much energy as I do. I feel pretty good overall, but this is mentally and physically draining. When I think about if I am ready to have my own family, the answer is pretty clear. I have been taking care of my parents longer than most kids live with their parents. I’m sure anything else will be a breeze.  Of course, focus on that has to wait a bit longer for this to get settled out.

Hence the desire to hide, and cook. I have visions of warm banana breads; rich creamy, citrusy custards with burnt sugar toppings; deep rich chocolate cakes, topped with boozy cherry jam that I have sitting in my pantry which was canned last summer.

Maybe after I head to Tacoma to sort out my father’s situation and help him clean his home, I can gather my lap top and some of my favorite cook books and just lay in bed, thinking of what to cook next!

In happy-ish news…the new chicks arrived today, sadly, the majority of them didn’t make it in travel. I have two new girls that will be joining the flock shortly!  I’ll post pictures of their sweet new faces when I bring them home later today from a neighbor who is watching them.

Here’s to the week wrapping up quickly!

Raina