A while ago I posted on Facebook about “Why I am not Bob Villa”, and took a few minutes to jot down a conversation about my version of home improvement. After an adventure today in cleaning my gutters, I decided to post both notes for everyone’s entertainment 🙂 Enjoy!
Why I am not Bob Villa: Saturday, July 2, 2011 at 2:03pm
I really am being productive today, despite the many facebook additions. This was just too funny not to share. Well, in my head any ways. This is a text convo between a friend and I. Please note, my friend is way more handy than I am, I’m guessing. This convo proved it:
Me: Did you know you have to build screens? They don’t come pre-built! WTH? Do I look handy?
Me: Yeah, for windows
Friend: Window sizes tend to be different. I can give you a hand.
Me: Phew. Cause I may lose an eye building it. I thought I was being slick using the one I found in my garage, but then I almost stabbed myself (I was using a pair of scissors to make it go together), and then the damn screen was too small for the window, and I was like, WTH? Why do I even have this screen? Do I even have windows this small?! Sigh. I may just drink.
Friend: Do you need real tools?
Me: Probably. I could have used a screw driver. That would have worked better. It’s also less stabby.
Friend: Do you not have one?
Me: I do, it was just in the house.
This convo went on, and included mention of setting myself up for success by not using scissors-which by the way I had used earlier to dig up a carrot and poke at a bug. And this is why I shouldn’t be allowed around sharp objects. Or windows. or Home Depot.
Why I am still not Bob Villa, Or How I didn’t bust my ass in the rain: September 26th.
While working from home today, I noticed that water was just dribbling down the eaves of my roof. I am assuming that’s what the sides of my roof are called. See…you get where this is going already, right?
Either way, I decided that I was going to clean my gutters today. Armed with a ladder and a knitting needle, I ventured outside.
Wait….you don’t clean your gutters with a knitting needle? Did you read my earlier note about putting a screen together with scissors? Clearly, you’re just now catching on to my improvised handimanliness. Yes, I also make up words.
So…I go outside armed with the tools of my trade, and set up the ladder…which takes all of like 5 minutes as there’s some stupid release mechanism involved. Once done I put it down and test it. Its not too wobbly, so I decide to climb up. This is when a big drop of roof water falls into my eye. I am not at the right spot to set up the ladder, but I did identify where water is falling. I move the ladder on to the porch by the downspout and climb up again, with much more success and less water in my eye. Now….smart-ass…this is where the knitting needle comes in handy. I think “there MUST be a clog in the downspout”, so I start poking around. Nope. No clog. So I look around…the issue is all this goop that is filling up the stupid external gutters and making a bird pool on my roof.
I then proceed to poke at that with my knitting needle to no avail – the goop is too far away. Sigh. I start to climb down, only to notice some big ass black thing is moving towards my rain-water filled eye. Apparently I managed to give a spider a ride on my head. At this point, I am done, covered in rain water, about to start screaming and waving my arms like a crazy person, all while perched precariously on my porch on a slick ladder. I remove said stupid spider and climb down off the ladder and decide two things:
1. I am still not Bob Villa
2. I shouldn’t be allowed to fix my house. Period.
Thank you to everyone who has volunteered to teach me how to do this. I now owe you beer. =D
Housework, if it is done right, can kill you. ~John Skow